Dirty Kitchen Sink

Sink

This dirty kitchen sink.
It is not what my kitchen sink usually looks like.
Am I avoiding the kitchen sink because I was diagnosed with OCD last Thursday?
Maybe.
It would have to be my subliminal mind trying to make up for the fact that I’ve spent all this time trying to arrive at some understanding of myself and then finding out that understanding doesn’t solve all my problems, no I would never manipulate myself like this.
I thought people would react differently.
I realized that doesn’t matter.
I thought I would react differently.
I realized I can’t predict myself.
“But OCD doesn’t always look like cleaning sinks and organizing pots and pans and you’re not even that clean of a person.”
Thank you for saying that, stranger.
You are exactly right
and I didn’t know that until recently either
that all my thoughts and wanting to control time and cleaning and needing routine and skin picking and anxiety and fear of doctors and checking and watching documentaries about nuclear disasters and lists and sensitivity and perfectionist tendencies and fear of something happening and the seemingly inability to have fun and rumination and reassurance and tricking myself into believing things that aren’t true for years even though you keep trying to convince yourself not to and worrying and hanging things on the walls and being upset when you don’t finish things like you want to could all sum up OCD.
That even your thoughts can encapsulate obsessions and their complementary compulsions.
Am I avoiding the kitchen sink because I was diagnosed with OCD last Thursday?
Maybe.
There are limits to how much you can understand the meaning behind your actions
and there are even stricter limits to how much another person can understand you.
You may never know these things
but you might let go of needing to some day.

-B

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